Nina (canofcheese) wrote in love_rants,

God, I am pathetic.

Input sorely needed, even if it's just to tell me what an idiot I am. I don't think I've heard that enough today.

I'm dating Guy A, and I think he's cool. He thinks he's in love. He might think I am, too. I mean, I love him, and I think he's a wonderful person, but I don't have a thang for him. Aren't thangs kinda necessary to have in a romantic relationship?

We get along fine. We make smart jokes, and he's kind enough to laugh at my stupid ones. I think some of his tastes and interests are a bit "...", but we don't clash too much. He'd be my best friend if he weren’t already my boyfriend. Or close to it.

I have no reason, other than the one mentioned earlier, to break up with him. It would only hurt him, and short me a great companion. It's true that I have no intention of being with him forever, and it's entirely likely that I'll be the one to part us when it finally happens. But why now?

Well, let's throw in a little scandal.

I'm in love with someone else.

Or, at least, I *think* I am. I know I spend more time talking to Guy B than I do my actual boyfriend. I know B better, I've known him for way longer, and I'm a little ashamed to admit that I even think about him when I'm out with A--frequently. I even fucking guide my conduct by what B would think (pull away from a kiss, folded arms in an embrace). "A" notices, and he gets paranoid as hell. I guess he has a right to be. It would kill him to know he might be justified.

You might ask, Well, Nina, why don't you just go out with "B"?

It's a little difficult, see. He lives in another state. And even though it's possible to breach that barrier, it's probably better that we remain really good friends. My greatest concern is that actually becoming involved romantically with him will only kill our friendship, not naturally branch off from it. I half suspect he'd really go out with me (we recently admitted to having *those* kinds of feelings for each other, I'm not presuming he likes me just 'cause we get along so great). But I think he's right when he says he needs to focus on getting his future together before he looks for someone to share it with.

Wow. That sounded kinda'...

Anyway. I'm almost done.

I'm glad my friend likes me. I really do want to be with him. This is something I know for sure. What I *also* know, is that I have the stinkiest luck with men. In my puny, sad, near-non-existent dating history, it has followed that every time a guy I actually liked has liked me back, he suddenly stopped liking me just as soon as he told me. The most recent experience was this boy named Ben. He's beautiful, tragic, and he played a song for me on his guitar. He asked me out, and then I didn't hear from him for three weeks.

He went into hiding, what the fuck?

I only mention this because, well, it was three nights ago that "B" and I admitted to liking each other. We talked briefly about nothing the next evening, and now I haven't heard from him since. I'm worried that he regrets the things he told me. I worry that he thinks everything is changed and weird and awkward between us. I worry that he's also avoiding me.

So, now I'M the paranoid one. That's just great.

Meanwhile, I'm stuck with possibilities. I could break up with “A” and get that over with. If I did, I guess that would also be making some kind of symbolic statement to “B”, yeah, except for the fact that he doesn’t know I started dating “A” again.

Geez, I sound sneaky.

What happened with THAT is that, well, simply put, essentially the same thing. I was dating “A,” realized how strong my feelings for “B” were, and broke up with “A” because it seemed like the right thing to do. Then “B” kinda disappeared, I began feeling foolish, and “A,” bless his heart, missed me too much. “B” would get jealous when I talked about “A” and I, so I saw no reason to tell him that I started going with “A” again, and now I’m in this stupid situation.

Okay, the basic points of this entire rant are:
-I’m dating someone, but I want someone else
-The person I want said he likes me, too, but is behaving like a bastard, because he’s hiding.
-I should break up with my boyfriend no matter what, but I want to avoid the “hurting him” part.
-I don’t know if I should tell “B” I’ve had a boyfriend this whole time, and that I’d dump my boyfriend for him.
-I have no idea where to go from here

Oh, and you want to know the biggest kicker of them all?

I’ve never actually met “B”. We met online about two years ago, and have been keeping up with each other ever since.

Did I already say how pathetic I am? Because I think it might need emphasizing.

And hey, because this is "my anonymous journal" that I'm writing with, I may just be an uber-loser and cross-post this thing!
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