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Nymphetamine [10 Dec 2006|04:01am]

My mind is swinging back and forth between what is right and what is wrong. Though neither seems right and neither seems wrong. Noone can truly govern what is right and what is wrong. Perhaps He can. Perhaps He can govern whatever he likes about my life because I belong to him now, again. Or so it would seem.
I wonder if he'll ever notice the torture he continues to press upon me, the bindings of dedication and faithfulness of which I feel I can at times never acheive. Sometimes I feel as if I've already done something wrong, so in a dreamlike state, I continue to do what he does not wish me to.
For the past few weeks now I have bidded to his every want and need, and somehow pushed away the temptation of what I want.
But what I also want is the safety of his arms, the dependance of a steady relationship and everything about him. He is perfection, he knows me back to front, I am his tiger to tame.

The girls lay upon my bed with no shirts covering their perfectly formed teenage bodies and I try with all my willpower and might to not turn around right now and stare at them. Earlier I stared at her beautiful curved waist and pale back, and the other girl's waist moved closer to her's, pushing her leg till my fingers softly touched her shaved skin. It was all my strength to moved my hand away when all I wanted was to move it up her leg and press my fingers deep inside her and grope the other girl. I imagined the softness and beauty of three girls making out, pleasing each other, gasping and moaning like they were sharing their utmost secrets. And they would.
However, my sweet boy laid beside me, snoring every once in awhile just to remind me he was there. That he had teased me all day, then with people in my room, we would disappear for moments at a time into the kitchen to make out furiously, to remind each other how much wanted and needed each other right then and there. We pressed our bodies against each other and created more tension until eventually we gave into it and disappeared for an hour and had hot, wet sex.

I feel I'm needing sex more than any drug, more than cigarettes and more than self-mutilation. More than any other addiction I've ever had. But they're all clashing. As I cuddle him after making love, I would remember the blood that riddled my pale arm, the blood clotted together, dripping down onto my naked legs. The night I attempted suicide. And I simply smiled and played with the blood with my fingertips. I remember the anger that caused me to slash open my thigh. I see now the scars that bind me from ever showing my body in public, I know noone would say anything if they saw them. I know they would think I'm insane or crazy or depressed. I wonder if they would ever realise that they are simply scars now, less horrifying than they were when they were bleeding and pouring my pain. It is beautiful to me, the memory.
And I am beginning to think of it every day.
Along with the ritual of sucking hot smoke into my lungs and pushing it out, digusted at the taste and smell but somewhat releived at having been able to watch the smoke fall from my lips passionately, like everything I ever wanted to say.

I've walked away now a few times from the temptation of other people, the girls and boys who want my lips and body.. At first I felt proud, but now I am feeling betrayed, worthless. I'm giving away something I truly loved, just so someone else can be happy. I'm trying so hard to be normal, to beleive that I can want only one person.
Everyone else can, why not me?
Why must I be blessed with the most amazing boy, then cursed with the inability of being able to give my mind and body to him, not just my heart?
Is this just being a teenager, or because I allowed myself to beleive for so long that it was too dangerous to depend on one person?
No matter what, even with so many times I have almost forgotten, I seem to remember that it is too dangerous to depend on just one. A part of me finds other places to lean, other places to find release.

Why does noone else have these problems?
Faithfulness is not supposed to be this hard, is it?

I wish I never got myself into this mess, I wish I never made the promise, the deception that I could get better.
I am better.
It's just not making me happy.
Then.. I don't beleive I've ever really been completely happy.

I am trying and I am succeeding at faithfulness.
But it's tearing my mind apart.
It's not because there's better out there. I don't beleive for a second that anyone is better than Matthew. They're just different. Not him.

I need to cut. I need to.... I want what's happening in my head to be real. That she would be in front of me moaning and getting her breath caught as she climaxes from the seduction of my hand... I need him, I want him to whisper that he loves me, that he trusts me, I need him to hold me and touch my skin and want me, my eyes, my lips and my cunt.


The Love of my Life [22 Sep 2006|12:37pm]

Last night brought on another argument between us. He got upset when I mentioned talking to John, even more upset when I said that it was a maybe as to whether he'll go out and fuck someone before I will. He said it was like I was planning something. I'm planning to get over him.

The insight to boyfriend and girlfriend relationships has been horrifying. I'm afraid of being asked out again. I could never say yes.
Our best friends, our double date buddies, Nick and Cass have been having relationship troubles also. They're both bringing each other down but while they're together, sometimes it's worth it.
I remember it being like that with Matt. I would get so depressed without him, everything was pointless unless I was seeing him that night. And when I was with him, everything was perfect. Only a few times, he let me down and it wasn't so perfect.

He says now it's too hard for us to be friends with benefits. We should be just friends or just fuck buddies. We couldn't have both feelings and sex.
I said 'just friends would be so hard, and fuck buddies would be no different to what we are now'
He said 'then we're already just fuck buddies... Sorry for falling for you again, but I don't want to get connected to you again. I'm going to get over you, tonight will be the last night you'll see me for awhile. After tonight I don't want anything to do with you until I'm over you.'

I don't want to see him tonight, not as fuck buddies and not as just friends.
I love him more than anything...
I just want him to be mine. My boyfriend.


GRRRRRR! [25 Jul 2006|09:24pm]

I hate men.

Men suck.

Especially the guy I'm in love with.

He sucks too.

Does this count as a love rant???


Yo! [04 Jun 2006|09:01pm]

Man...I don't think I've posted in here yet..but I'm having some serious issues concerning the object of my affection....grrr...*seethes*

Well, this guy I like is named Mike, he's 16 (I'm 18 by the way, but I don't think age matters here) anywho...the real issues lies in him being slightly asexual...he's simply not interested...for reasons I don't need to disclose.

Anywho...I'm head over heels for this guy...because he really is worth it. And he's a good friend. But it's so hard to be around him and have to hide how I feel. It's awful.

And now that school's out and I've graduated, I'm scared I won't see him so much. I wanted to get closer to him, even if it was just as a friend.

Man, this blows. But I guess you can't help who you fall in love with eh?


[30 May 2006|04:43pm]

Sorry :( I can't figure out how to delete the entry with the HUGE picture!!


[30 May 2006|04:14pm]

I'm in need of some advice. Hopefully someone can help.

I'm D. I've been in a relationship with J for almost 4 years. We moved in on our first date together and have had a great, loving relationship so far. Now, we are planning to move out of state together. He is going to work for my Father while I finish college. Since we've decided to move I've been thinking a lot about our relationship. I just don't know anymore. I love him and he loves me. There isn't a question there. But sometimes I wonder if I'd be happier with someone who were more... creative. I feel like our relationship is lacking something. While he seems content with that fact that we've just been together for so long that the "new" feeling is gone, I'm not. I think you never have to lose that feeling, but it's hard work to keep it up.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if these things can be worked through or if this is reason enough to end this relationship? Has anyone been through this before? Is it like what they call the "7 Year Marriage Itch"? Or is our difference in relationship opinion irreconcilable?

Sorry if none of this makes sense. There is a lot more to the story, but I didn't want to bore anyone with too  much detail.


The Truth comes out [11 Jul 2005|10:53pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

have learned.... to find out how someone really feels about a person, you must tell a lie. I'm saying this because I wanted to know how a certain felt about our past relationship so when they told me they had cheated on me...I said I cheated too just to see what they would say...and of course it worked...I found out that I was being played the whole time....it was a game to see what power they had over me...and thats totally fucked up...the sad part is I got caught in the game and it took me 5 months after the final break up to find out the truth. It pains me to have wasted time, and enegry and especially love on such a person. I let a secert part of me show to this person....a part I don't share with many. Because of this I will no longer open myself up for anyone, I refuse to let myself get played again. I don't even want to get back with James anymore..because what if he's doing the same thing?...fuck that

I'm so sick to my stomach I just want throw up right now and take a shower to wash away all the nastiness of this person. I never thought someone could be so sick in the head. I have heard of people playing others for a few weeks, maybe even months but to take it as far as an year and then agreeing to marry them is downright mentally insane. Oh well I kinda glad I know the truth!!!

edit: Oh for that certain..you know who you are..I never cheated on you..believe me or not I really don't care. But I didn't cheat I just lied to find out information.... I just wanted to know if you cheated on me with Kat but to find out there was 3 or 4 others, I needed something to get back at you. Plus if you wanted to get with Shannon...you didn't need to play me to do it.


[13 Jun 2005|05:28pm]



come on people yall knew micky wasn't going to jail- :)


[10 Jun 2005|01:27pm]


He'll tell me we're like Corey and Topanga.

He'll give me his favorite sweatshirt.

He’ll stay home with me and watch Disney Movies.

And he'll tell me he loves it even though he doesn’t, and the only person he would ever watch it with would be me.

He'll call me at 3am and ask me what I'm doing.

He'll tell me he couldn't fall asleep because he was thinking about me, and he needed to hear my voice.

He’ll text me every morning before school saying “Have a great day babe I love you!”.

And he always whispers something sweet in my ear.

He'll take me to a concert to see my favorite performer even if he doesn't like them.

And he won't get embarrassed to tell me he loves me in front of his friends.

When I cry he'll tell me I'm too beautiful to cry, and he'll kiss every tear.

He'll always make me feel better because he knows the perfect things to say to me.

All of his friends will know we're in love because he talks about me to them.

He stays up with me all night when I'm sick.

When we're walking together he'll stop and pick up a flower and put it behind my ear.

He loves everythingabout me and tells me that I'mperfect.

We always end up laughing about silly fights.

We won't get mad for making fun of each other because we crack up at every bit of it.

Even if we're a million years old, butterflies will still go crazy inside of me ... Every timehe kisses me.

He tells me he'd die without me.

He'll surprise me by bringing me over my favorite food when I'm having a bad day.

He would think I was beautiful if I dressed so crappy it was classy.

When we go out for ice cream, he'll put some on my nose …
then I'll put some all over his face.

And we just never stop laughing.

he wouldn't be scared to cry in front of me--
--and would hold me when i cry ..

he introduces me to his friends as the coolest girl he’s ever met.

He buys me jewelry and bouncy balls from vending machines.

We would have contests of how far we could spit our gum, or how far we could jump off a swing.

He'll take walks with me in the snow, and we'll catch

And we'd always take pictures in photo booths.

He’ll let me go places with his mom.

We would play tag and not care who's watching.

We’d kiss in the rain.

And when I hear him speak, I'll fall in love all over again.
I want a boy who can argue over stupid things with me,
and than go totally soft when I got sad and apologize.

I want someone who would lay with me outside under the stars.
Someone who will squirt me with water guns in the house

I want someone to be there no matter what ... always and forever *


I'll be his everything.

And he'll be even more to me .
He will love me for always.

*So what do yall think? It won't be hard to find someone like that


Love [26 May 2005|12:47pm]

I'm in one of those kind of moods where all I can think about is the idea of having someone to love and someone to love me back. Miss being inlove, I mean the way you feel when you can look into someones eyes and see that no matter what they love you and care for you is the best feeling in the world. Love changes people, it suppose to make people better. Love is not something you become but what you already are....if that makes any sense.

I'm in a period of my life where I have my friends and family to love me but I want that one person that totally understands me, if I cry they can kiss my tears away, that makes me laugh whenever I'm down, who can change my outlook of life, and no matter how bad I fuck up will always be there to pick up the pieces. I want to be in a place where if me that person are looking in each others eyes everything around us fades away and I can only see them. Oh how I long for that feeling.....Love these days seems to be based on Sex and looks.... But Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another personhood....I hope everyone understands me. I just felt like talking about my defination of love, I want to love someone. Everyday I learn a new lesson about life and I'm growing into a different person, its scary but at the same time welcoming. I talked with Steve today and we had a very serious conversation and he told me that he's proud of me, because I have changed so much.....as much as I talk about wanting love from a man, I don't need it to complete me. I'm actually doing fine without it, I don't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful, smart, and interesting because I know Iam...I'm just saying that having that kind of love would be an add bonus to life.

Does anyone understand where I'm coming from~ is my idea of love..right?

Leave the love~
1 had something to say.

promo [24 May 2005|08:56pm]

Read more...Collapse )


JOIN!! [17 Nov 2004|01:02pm]

<img src="http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v85/jbabyluvver/join.jpg">


God, I am pathetic. [18 Jul 2004|12:56am]

Input sorely needed, even if it's just to tell me what an idiot I am. I don't think I've heard that enough today.

Here's one you've heard before.Collapse )

And hey, because this is "my anonymous journal" that I'm writing with, I may just be an uber-loser and cross-post this thing!


trying so hard to cope [27 Jun 2004|01:58am]
I've just started an LJ account to try out because I desperately need people to talk to. I just discovered that my girlfriend of seven months has been cheating on me and feel so humiliated and stupid I don't know where to turn to.
1 had something to say.

[29 Sep 2003|09:50am]
I'm new to LJ and I'm really having a hard time sorting out a 4 year relationship. If anybody has time to read what I've written about it, it's the only entry in my journal. Thanks so much... I'm just really confused.


[17 Aug 2003|06:52pm]

[ mood | bitchy ]

I'm hoping for some men and women opinions on my situation.

Read more...Collapse )

1 had something to say.

[16 Dec 2002|06:18pm]

torn between two
-- who do you choose?
the one that you love?
or the one that loves you?


how....... [19 Nov 2002|05:18pm]

[ mood | embarrassed ]

can i be more afectionate with my boyfriend? any advice would be helpful....

1 had something to say.

wtf [05 Oct 2002|07:09pm]

[ mood | Deeply Hurt ]

i can't believe him sometimes maybe he should stop smoking weed his memory is for shit!

i am so hurt


i think i found the one.... [16 Sep 2002|03:27pm]

[ mood | ecstatic ]

...Finally i think i found the person i can really ..i mean REALLY fall in love and care for....


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